Episode 198: The Hidden Self

It takes a lot of effort to hide one's disability, and it all comes down to internalized ableism.

Transcript

Laura 0:00

Another episode we wouldn't have without social media.

Male VO 0:04

This is Bad Attitudes.

Male VO 0:21

Hello, friends and strangers. Welcome to another episode of Bad Attitudes, an uninspiring podcast about disability. I'm your host, Laura.

Male VO 0:32

This week's supporter shout-out goes to Bea Huff Hunter. Thank you for your continuing support.

Male VO 0:38

If you'd like to hear your name on a future episode, consider becoming a member on Ko-Fi. Visit ko-fi.com slash badattitudes pod for more information.

Male VO 0:51

You can also support the pod by visiting our merch store at badattitudeshop.etc.com, where you'll find podcast merch and satisfyingly sarcastic designs, especially for the disabled and chronically ill communities.

Male VO 1:07

For questions, comments, or ideas, visit the website at badattitudespod.com, email badattitudespod at gmail.com, or reach out on social media. Follow at BadAttitudes Pod on Instagram, Facebook, Threads, and Blue Sky.

Male VO 1:26

As always, I want to remind you that disability is not a monolith. My experience as a disabled person is going to be different from the experiences of other disabled people. I am one voice for the disabled community, but I am not the only voice.

Male VO 1:42

In a local Facebook group, someone posted a rant about people parking illegally in accessible parking. And, you know, hard relate. However, some of the language was problematic. Particularly, they all looked "young and healthy", and not a "single one" had a tag. For the record, OP indicated that they have a disabled sister, but are not disabled themselves.

Male VO 2:08

We all know that looking young and healthy doesn't mean anything when it comes to disability. Disability doesn't have age limits, and we can't determine someone's health status by looking at them. OP also stated that this was at a large chain grocery store, which for me casts some doubt on the idea that not a single car parked in the accessible spaces had the proper indicators. At a major grocery store, you're going to find a fair number of accessible parking spaces, although we all know that there are never enough. But not a single car had a tag hanging from its rear view or on its dashboard, or had a permanent license plate. Color me skeptical.

Male VO 2:52

Of course, I left a comment that illustrated both of these points, i.e., invisible disabilities exist, and I'm sure at least one of the cars had proper documentation. OP did not respond to me, which is fair, considering it was just a rant post. Another person did respond anonymously. For what it's worth, I'm not a big fan of the ability to post anonymously or with some random nickname in Facebook groups. It's only helpful in a limited number of scenarios, and I think if you're going to spew vile ignorance on the internet, you should have to say it with your whole chest.

Male VO 3:29

This person didn't say anything vile or particularly ignorant, but what they did say gave me pause. They said that they never put their accessible parking placard on their trucks, and that cops had told them they could just run their plates to see if they needed the parking. They also said they had spent 43 years working to hide their disability because they didn't want anyone's pity. My response was, I'm sorry you're dealing with such strong internalized ableism that you've spent such a long time hiding a huge part of who you are. That's rough.

Male VO 4:01

Initially, I typed it kind of flippantly, like, you're not making the point you think you're making, bro. But the more I thought about it, the sadder I became. Because they have, in effect, spent over four decades trying to hide an integral part of their identity.

Male VO 4:18

I can relate. I too hate feeling like people pity me. I don't want pity, I don't ask for pity, I certainly don't need pity. In my experience, pity is perhaps the most unhelpful emotion. I also put a lot of effort into keeping my disability under wraps.

Male VO 4:37

Now, if you've been paying attention, you know I'm a full-time wheelchair user, which means keeping my disability hidden is quite the challenge. But I grew up during the dawn of the internet, the era of forums and message boards and chat rooms where ASL did not stand for American Sign Language. It's easy to not tell people you're disabled in these contexts. I lied by omission.

Male VO 5:04

I enjoyed people not knowing about my disability in their first encounter with me. It felt like the playing field was more level. Until I became more self-confident, people knowing I was disabled before they knew me often felt like they had an advantage over me, even though that wasn't the case. I felt like I was able to be myself without being burdened by their knowledge of my disability.

Male VO 5:29

So, yes, I definitely understand the impulse to want to hide your disability. But I question this person's thought process. They don't put their placard or license plate on their truck in order to prevent people from knowing they're disabled. But they still use accessible parking, which will lead people to think one of two things. One, people will just assume you're disabled, no harm, no foul. Two, they notice you don't have a placard of any kind, so they assume you're not disabled, but you are an asshole. So they're either going to know you're disabled or they're going to know you're a douche. Which is worse?

Male VO 6:09

Look, I get it. I don't think anyone wants to be judged based on their disability, and certainly not on a preconception of your disability when people don't know anything else about you. But also, whether we like it or not, our disabilities are a huge part of our identities.

Male VO 6:29

And for a long, long time I did not like it at all. It's only been in the past handful of years that I have truly accepted that my disability is part of my identity. For most of my life I operated under the premise that my identity and my disability were separate entities. That's just not the case. My disability has informed every aspect of my personality. If I grew up non-disabled, I would be an entirely different person. I'm a disabled woman. Even though my disability is not the most important thing to know about me, it is still a part of who I am, and denying it is internalized ableism.

Male VO 7:14

We all deal with internalized biases. All of us have internalized the subtle and overt messages we received over our lifetimes. I don't know for a fact if the person who replied to my comment is a man or a woman, but I have my suspicions that they are a man. A man who has internalized the idea that disability equals weakness, and because he's a man, he can't let anyone think he might be weak. Again, this is all supposition. I'm a woman, and I also internalized the message that being disabled means being weak, and I did everything in my power to avoid looking weak in any circumstance. I finally come to the realization that being disabled is not weakness, and I don't have to prove myself to anyone but myself.

Male VO 8:00

Sadly, this person is going to reach a point where hiding their disability is simply not going to be possible anymore. Whether their disability becomes more pronounced, or they just get tired of the effort it takes to hide, there will be a stopping point. They will be forced to deal with their internalized ableism unless they choose to acknowledge it now. Unfortunately, I don't anticipate that happening.

Male VO 8:27

It's painful to confront our internalized biases, but being on the other side is worth it. Accepting who you are is incredibly freeing. It's not an overnight thing. It takes time, and it doesn't come easily. I don't expect that my comment to this person would have any impact, but maybe it'll put a crack in the foundation of self-hatred.

Male VO 8:49

Thanks for listening, and I'll talk to you in the next one.