Episode 185: Don't Be Sorry

Feeling sorry for yourself is a natural experience. Staying there forever is unhealthy. 

Transcript

Laura 0:00

Sorry isn't the word.

Male VO 0:04

This is Bad Attitudes.

Laura 0:20

Hello, friends and strangers. Welcome to another episode of Bad Attitudes, an uninspiring podcast about disability. I'm your host, Laura.

Laura 0:31

This week's supporter shout out goes to Michael Murphy. Thank you for your continuing support.

Laura 0:37

If you'd like to hear your name on a future episode, consider becoming a member on Coffee. Visit ko-fi.com slash badattitudes pod for more information.

Laura 0:51

You can also support the pod by visiting our merch store at badattitudeshop.etsey.com, where you'll find podcast merch and satisfyingly sarcastic designs, especially for the disabled and chronically ill communities.

Laura 1:07

For questions, comments, or ideas, visit the website at badattitudespod.com, email badattitudespod at gmail.com, or reach out on social media. Follow at BadAttitudes Pod on Instagram, Facebook, Threads, and Blue Sky.

Laura 1:25

As always, I want to remind you that disability is not a monolith. My experience as a disabled person is going to be different from the experiences of other disabled people. I am one voice for the disabled community, but I am not the only voice.

Laura 1:42

Here's a short Reddit post I came across recently.

Laura 1:45

I've been disabled my whole life. I feel sorry for myself for being disabled. I also feel sorry for other people. I've never understood why people feeling sorry for people is somehow treated as a moral failing. Feeling sorry is an emotion, and we can't help how we feel.

Laura 2:05

My first thought is that there is a big difference between feeling empathy and feeling pity. And it's a pretty universal desire to not want to be pitied. In a comment under the post, someone says it's okay to feel pity until it veers into condescension. But in my view, pity is always condescending. It's always this thing of, oh your poor thing, your life must be so hard and worthless. That is what pity is.

Laura 2:35

I'd say ultimately the biggest problem with this post is the language. Feeling sorry for someone is equated with feeling pity, not empathy. But if you feel sorry for someone, because you can relate to their situation or you can understand and see the obstacles they have to deal with, that's empathy. Huge difference.

Laura 2:57

The main reason I think that people, especially non-disabled people, feel pity for disabled people is because they have no concept of what living with a disability is like. Most of them assume that our lives would automatically be better if we weren't disabled, and that just isn't true. Moreover, they assume that our lives are automatically bad because we're disabled. And that also isn't true.

Laura 3:23

If I weren't disabled, certain aspects of my life would certainly be better. If I didn't need to use a wheelchair, I probably wouldn't have to struggle with access issues. I say probably because let's face it, there's no such thing as a guarantee. If I didn't have OI, I probably wouldn't have had to deal with breaking more than 100 bones over my lifetime. I refer you back to what I said about guarantees. But who's to say what the alternative would be? Plenty of people who have no physical ailments whatsoever have shit lives. So how can we assume that our lives would magically improve by not being disabled?

Laura 4:03

I'm not immune to this kind of magical thinking. I spent most of my formative years thinking that if I weren't disabled, my family could do things like take trips or afford a bigger house or go and do all those fun things my non-disabled friends seem to do with their families. Even as recently as a couple of weeks ago, I was thinking if it weren't for me, my sister wouldn't be stressing out about finding a place to park downtown for a concert we went to. Without me, or with a non-disabled version of me, she could just park wherever without worrying about if there was available accessible parking or working elevators or how well my chair could handle the trip between parking in the arena.

Laura 4:48

In all likelihood, my sister probably still would have stressed about parking, albeit for different reasons. Moreover, it's not my fault or responsibility that downtown parking is atrocious, or that there is so little accessible parking available, or that parking garages aren't doing proper maintenance on their elevators.

Laura 5:10

Yes, being disabled adds a new and exciting set of challenges to our lives, but those challenges don't always mean worse.

Laura 5:20

In my experience, when someone pities me, it's because they've limited their perception of me to one aspect of my existence, my disability. That's all they notice. They don't take into account that I have purple hair, which probably means I'm really cool and creative. I am. They don't take into account where they see me, like the concert I just mentioned. If someone there pitied me, they totally ignored the fact that I was in a huge venue to see a music artist I love, Eric Church, if you're curious, and I was having a fucking fantastic time.

Laura 5:57

Let me reiterate, I have fallen down the "if only I weren't disabled" rabbit hole plenty of times. If only I weren't disabled, I would be taller or thinner or prettier or richer or have a better job or have a hot boyfriend or have a better place to live. And maybe, maybe, some of that would be true. But some of it wouldn't, and some of it might mean giving up something else.

Laura 6:25

Like, maybe I would be making more money, but that job might also be making me miserable. I might have a hot boyfriend, but he might be a total douchebag. Maybe I'd have a fancy house, but they might not allow dogs. We don't know what we would have to give up in order to have the things we think would be better if only we weren't disabled.

Laura 6:50

The bigger worry I see with this post is that the OP feels sorry for themselves for being disabled, and as someone who has a lifelong disability, they've always felt that way. We don't know how old they are. They could be a teenager who's struggling, or they could be in their fifties and they've spent half a century feeling sorry for themselves.

Laura 7:11

If you've listened for any amount of time, you know that I am not an optimistic person. I am at best a cynical idealist, or perhaps an idealistic cynic. I think good things can happen, but I don't really believe they will. I'm not here to poop on anyone's pity party parade.

Laura 7:33

However.

Laura 7:34

Speaking as someone who has thrown her fair share of pity parties, struggled with depression, and done plenty of navel gazing, I've come to the conclusion that feeling sorry for yourself simply isn't beneficial. It doesn't change anything. It doesn't make you feel better. If anything, it often makes you feel worse.

Laura 7:56

That doesn't mean those moments aren't necessary. We all deserve a good wallow from time to time. But existing permanently in that state is unhealthy. Surely there must be something in OP's life that takes their mind off being disabled for a few minutes. Maybe a book or a movie. Something that lets them focus on something else.

Laura 8:18

I know for some people that's much easier said than done. For some, disability really does negatively impact every single aspect of their life. But I feel like if you can find one thing to focus on, that can help you get unstuck.

Laura 8:34

The next time you find yourself feeling sorry for someone, ask yourself if what you're feeling is empathy or pity. If it's the latter, think about why you're feeling it. Is it because something genuinely bad has happened to someone, or is it because you think you know something that you might actually not know?

Laura 8:54

If you are empathetic to another disabled person because you understand or have also experienced the ablest bullshit we all encounter, know that empathy is a great impetus for change. Empathy encourages us to fight for the rights of people different than ourselves. Empathy encourages us to tear down the systems holding us back. Empathy encourages us to build bridges, not burn them down.

Laura 9:21

Thanks for listening, and I'll talk to you in the next one.