Episode 110 - Neuro Bland

A friend wanted to know why I don't identify as neurodivergent. Here's my answer.

Transcript

TRANSCRIPT OF “NEURO BLAND”

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MALE VO [00:03]
This is Bad Attitudes.

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LAURA [00:20]
Hello friends and strangers! And welcome to another episode of Bad Attitudes: An Uninspiring Podcast About Disability. I’m your host, Laura.

Am I neurodivergent? I literally have no idea.

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As always, I want to remind you that disability is not a monolith. My experience as a disabled person is going to be different from the experiences of other disabled people. I am one voice for the disabled community but I am not the only voice.

[02:24]
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Shortly after the episode in which I talked about making a stupid comment wishing I was neurodivergent, a friend asked me why I don’t identify as neurodivergent. For this friend, the label makes sense. She identifies as having ADHD and autism, and she says that looking back, it makes a lot of her past make sense.

I have not been diagnosed with any neurodivergence, but lack of a diagnosis is not the reason I don’t identify as neurodivergent. A while back I did an episode on how diagnosis can be a privilege for many people, and that includes neurodivergent individuals. I know multiple people who identify as autistic but do not have an official autism diagnosis. The fact that they are self-diagnosed does not make their identity any less valid.

The simplest explanation I could come up with is that any neurodivergence I MIGHT experience doesn’t impact my life the way it impacts those who are truly neurodivergent. For example, I never truly struggled academically. Well, until I hit algebra. Plenty of people with ADHD are academically successful, but I don’t feel like I ever had to work significantly harder to do well. Again, until I encountered algebra.

I also don’t feel like I struggle socially. That doesn’t mean I’m not awkward and uncomfortable around new people, but I understand social cues and I don’t have issues engaging in conversation when required. I’m still an introvert, and my battery recharges when I’m alone and drains when I’m around other people. But, for the most part, I don’t have trouble interacting with people. 

I don’t consider myself overly forgetful. I imagine that the things I forget are pretty average for someone my age. I can’t believe I just used that phrase. I don’t have a problem focusing when I need to. Generally speaking, I can sit still without much trouble.

Let’s not forget sarcasm. Most autistic people have trouble understanding sarcasm. But, if you’ve listened for any length of time, you know that sarcasm is my bread and butter.

I know I’m making sweeping generalizations here, and not every neurodivergence looks the same. I’m simply pointing out the simple ways in which my life has not been negatively impacted by any potential neurodivergence.

However, that isn’t to say I don’t suspect I might have ADHD, because there are days when I ABSOLUTELY suspect it. I watched a YouTube video once where the creator discussed the two major types of ADHD: The fidgety, hard-to-pay-attention, forgetful type we’re all familiar with, and a second type that is more daydreamy. I am certainly a daydreamer. I get lost in my own thoughts easily. So check that box for me.

Apparently, people with ADHD tend to be more productive in the later hours, and have unusual sleeping patterns. The hours between 11 pm and 2 am I consider to be my golden hour. My sleeping habits have gotten increasingly unusual in the years since the pandemic, but I’ve always been a night owl. It was perfectly normal for me to stay up until 2 am and sleep until noon. Now, I’m more likely to lay my head down around 5 am and not get up before 3. Yes, if you’re doing the math, I require a little more sleep than average to feel fully functional.

I relate a LOT to the various ADHD memes my friends tend to share. (Well, except for the one time my friend said she hates taking time to eat. That’s never been a problem for me.) But, for example: I zone out from time to time. Like, hardcore, just staring into space, nobody’s home kind of zoning out. I believe I’ve mentioned my penchant for imaginary conversations. And I do tend to fidget with things like pens and napkins.

Also, I’m not saying I DON’T get distracted. I absolutely do. Case in point, while writing this episode, I went down a YouTube shorts rabbit hole for zero reason.

So, yeah, I’m suspicious that I might have a form of ADHD.

But I wouldn’t consider it part of my identity without an actual diagnosis. Again, not because self-diagnosis isn’t valid, but because I don’t feel like I’ve struggled in the same ways a neurodivergent person might. It doesn’t feel authentic to call myself neurodivergent, and it doesn’t feel fair to people whose lives have been significantly impacted by their neurodivergence.

I’ve encountered many people who’ve experienced more than their fair share of difficulties due to being neurodivergent. It would feel like saying I live in poverty when I very clearly don’t. I might struggle financially, and my family has had lean times, but I never worried about not having food on the table or being able to pay for medicine. While I empathize with and understand their struggles, it would be disingenuous to say that I have experienced the same.

So while I can relate to a lot of the experiences of neurodivergent people, and even if I sometimes wonder if I might be neurodivergent myself, I don’t feel like I have the right to use that label. While that might change in the future, for the time being, I am not neuro spicy. I’m just neuro bland.

Thanks for listening and I’ll talk to you in the next one.

[08:18]
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