Episode 107: Shouldna Said That

Saying something stupid isn't just for the ignorant and uneducated among us. Enjoy my most recent shame.

Transcript

TRANSCRIPT OF “SHOULDNA SAID THAT”

[rock guitar music]

MALE VO [00:03]
This is Bad Attitudes.

[rock guitar music]

LAURA [00:20]
Hello friends and strangers! And welcome to another episode of Bad Attitudes: An Uninspiring Podcast About Disability. I’m your host, Laura.

Well, I rolled in it.

This week’s supporter shoutout goes to our newest subscriber, Amanda Good! Thank you, Amanda!

If you’re interested in supporting the podcast, be sure to check out the Ko-Fi page at ko-fi.com/badattitudespod. You can subscribe to one of SEVEN membership tiers for special perks like bonus episodes, book reviews, a virtual book club, and more! Tiers start at just $2 per month and your support helps keep the pod running.

If subscribing isn’t for you, you can also make one-time donations through Ko-Fi, and each donation will be shouted out in a future episode. But there is no pressure to subscribe or donate. Sharing and interacting with the podcast is incredibly helpful. The best way to grow the podcast and our community is through word of mouth, so if you like this episode, be sure to share it with your friends. Leaving a rating or review on your favorite podcast platform also really helps me out.

Have you ever thought you’d make a good podcast guest? Now’s your chance! Visit the Bad Attitudes LinkTree or check the episode notes to apply to guest on a future Bad Attitudes episode. I can’t wait to share your story!

For questions, comments, or ideas, email badattitudespod@gmail.com or reach out through social media. Follow @Badattitudespod on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, and TikTok! 

As always, I want to remind you that disability is not a monolith. My experience as a disabled person is going to be different from the experiences of other disabled people. I am one voice for the disabled community but I am not the only voice.

[02:18]
[rock guitar chord]

It’s pretty well established that I belong to several groups on Facebook. Mostly business groups or art groups, which I use for networking, sharing my artwork, and sharing the podcast. Recently, I committed quite a faux pas in one of these groups.

It was an art group and someone had shared some cool metal nameplate necklaces they made with labels like ADHD and “actually autistic” in vintage tattoo styles, which I am a big fan of. I got excited by these necklaces and left a comment that said, “These make me wish I was neurodivergent.”

Womp, womp.

The truth is, I was excited by these necklaces and I simply wasn’t thinking when I commented. What I MEANT was, “I love these necklaces and if I could do so without appropriating an identity that isn’t mine, I would buy one.”

Sadly, I didn’t immediately recognize the insensitivity and inappropriateness of what I said. It started to occur to me a little while later, and a couple of people kindly took me to task. What I was essentially saying is that I wished I could appropriate a condition that causes a fair number of people a lot of difficulties, all for the sake of a cool necklace.

What I said was not that different from the comments I’ve heard all my life. “Oh, you’re so lucky you get to sit down all day.” “Oh, you’re so lucky you don’t have to walk up and down all these stairs.” Oh my GOD, Laura, what are you DOING?

I’m grateful that the people who responded to me realized I wasn’t being malicious, I was just excited, and they responded in kind. I mean, there is a big difference between saying, “Oh, I wish I was neurodivergent so I could wear this cool necklace,” and saying, “Oh, I wish I was neurodivergent so I could get special treatment.” One of these is certainly more innocuous than the other, but neither should be said out loud.

I offered apologies to, essentially, the group at large, but specifically the people who called me out and to the original poster. There are two feelings I hate. I hate feeling stupid and I hate being wrong. But, in this case, I was wrong, and I had to own it. I needed to acknowledge my mistake and attempt to rectify it through those apologies.

This situation perfectly illustrates that all of us, no matter how much we know better, can make missteps. As a lifelong wheelchair user, I CERTAINLY know better than to make these kinds of comments about someone else’s disability. But, as I said, I got excited and said a thing without thinking.

It’s okay to say things without thinking sometimes, but what matters is how you respond afterward. If someone calls you out about something you said, defensively doubling down is not a good look. I took the criticism on board, acknowledged that I made a mistake, and made amends. I could have gone the other way. I could have gotten defensive and said, “Hey, I’m disabled so I can’t be ableist and I can say these things and it’s fine,” which is blatantly untrue. And that would have made me the bad guy.

As it stands, at worst, I’m someone who stuck their foot in their mouth but managed to bring it around.

If I’m going to sit here and call out other people’s ableism and mistakes, I have to be willing to do the same to myself. You may not know this, but I’m not perfect. It came as a shock to me, too. I make mistakes. I sometimes say things without thinking. But how I deal with those mistakes afterward is what makes the difference.

There is a big difference between someone who makes a mistake in phrasing or says something a little off-color simply because they aren’t thinking or because they don’t know any better and someone who says something as a way to cause distress or harm. I think we can all identify each of these when we come across them. For example, making a comment about someone’s ADHD or autism or whatever in the heat of an argument because you know it pushes their buttons is not an innocent mistake. Making a derogatory comment about someone’s disability to incite a reaction is not an innocent mistake.

Innocent mistakes are forgivable. We can come back from mistakes if we are willing to learn from them. We can’t come back from purposefully being assholes.

Thanks for listening and I’ll talk to you in the next one.

[06:48]
[rock guitar music]